Why
Sketch One: Doctor Doctor
A Doctors office
Patient #1
[Wearing frog’s head mask.] Knock-knock.
Doctor
Come in.
[Etc.]
Patient #1
Hi doctor.
FX
Knock Knock etc.
Patient #1
Come in. Come in. Welcome to my house. Nobody there.
Doctor
Please take a seat.
Patient #1
Take a seat? Really? Thank you very much.
[Proceeds to take seat out of office.]
Doctor
No no no no. I mean sit down.
Patient #1
You mean sit down? Oh.
FX
Bad joke jingle.
Doctor
Now, what’s the matter?
Patient #1
Oh, I have a big problem. My head: like a frog. I have a frog’s head.
FX
Chirping frogs.
Doctor
No. It's just a mask.
Patient #1
Really? A Mask? Oh. [Removes mask. Touches face.] Human head?
Doctor
Almost human.
FX
Bad joke jingle.
Patient #1
Thank you very much. My mother will be so happy.
FX
Intro music.
Patient #2
Knock-knock.
Doctor
[Now wearing frog’s head mask.] Come in.
Patient #2
I don’t feel well. Help me doct—[sees mask.] WOW! Frog doctor! Are you ok?
Doctor
Take a seat.
Patient #2
[Sits.] Ok ok, calm down, calm down. [Takes deep breaths.]
Doctor
Er, what’s the matter?
Patient #2
I have a stomach ache.
Doctor
Oh, you should see a doctor.
Patient #2
Yes, I see. Thank you very much. Er . . . Excuse me? Who are you?
Doctor
Frog.
Doctor
Frog? It’s just a mask. Take off your mask. You're a doctor. Ok?
Doctor
[Takes off mask] Thank you. Now. What’s the matter?
Patient #2
I have a stomach ache.
Doctor
Ah, yeah yeah yeah. You should see a doctor.
Patient #2
Yes, thank you very much, you’re kind . . . Hey! You are a doctor. Please examine me.
Doctor
Ok.
Patient #2
Do you understand?
Doctor
Ok. How can I help you?
Patient #2
I have a stomach ache. A stomach ache etc.
Doctor
Ohh, you should see a doctor.
Patient #2
Thank you very much. . . . COME ON! Please examine me.
Doctor
Ok ok.
FX
Passing race car.
Doctor
I will examine you.
Patient #2
Thank you very much.
Doctor
Take off your—
Patient #2
My shirt? Ok. [Starts to remove shirt.]
Doctor
—socks.
Patient #2
Socks? Take off my socks? I have a stomach ache. [Removes socks.]
FX
Wind howling.
[Doctor gets chopsticks and uses them to examine patients feet.]
Patient #2
What’s that you have in your hand? Chopsticks? So, What’s wrong?
Doctor
Too many.
Patient #2
Too many? Too many what, doctor?
Doctor
Too many toes.
Patient #2
Too many toes? How many? How many doctor?
Doctor
10.
Patient #2
10! 10? 10 is normal.
Doctor
No, no. It’s not normal.
Patient #2
Not normal?
Doctor
2 or 3 is normal.
Patient #2
2 or 3?
Doctor
3 or 4.
Patient #2
3 or 4?
Doctor
4 or 5.
Patient #2
4 or 5?
Doctor
Any way. . . .
Patient #2
ANY WAY?
Doctor
I’ll take your temperature.
Patient #2
My temperature? Yeah. I have a high temperature. [Puts thermometer under arm.] This morning it was 45.
Doctor
What, what? [Doctor has put stethoscope in his ears. He points it at his own mouth when patient is speaking, and at patient when he is speaking.]
Patient #2
Last night it was 55.
Doctor
What?
Patient #2
Last night it was 55.
Doctor
Ah ah ah?
Patient #2
Last night it was 55. [Notices stethoscope, crabs it and shouts into it:] Last night it was 55!
Doctor
[Removes stethoscope.] Last night was 56?
Patient #2
Ok, ok. 56. [Hands thermometer back to doctor.]
Doctor
[Looking at thermometer. Huh? Your temperature.
Patient #2
My temperature?
Doctor
Your temperature! Zero!
Patient #2
[Pointing at thermometer.] It’s broken.
Doctor
It’s not broken.
Patient #2
Why?
Doctor [
Shows him small label.] Look. Made in Japan.
[They read together:]
Doctor
Made in Japan.
Patient #2
Made in Jamaica. Jamaica!
Doctor
You’re dead.
Patient #2
I’m alive.
Doctor
How long have you been dead?
Patient #2
I’m alive. [Does aerobics.]
Doctor
Do you have much death in your family?
Patient #2
In my family? No.
Doctor
Your father? [Starts to make a list.]
Patient #2
Oh, my father is dead, yes.
Doctor
Your mother?
Patient #2
Yeah, my mother is dead.
Doctor
Any one else?
Patient #2
Yeah, my brother. [Ad. lib.] And my sister. And my cat.
FX
Meeow.
Patient #2
Yeah, yeah my cat: too much drugs.
Doctor
Look. [Shows list.] A lot of death in your family. [Ad. lib.]
Patient #2
Yeah, I have a very dead family.
Doctor
So, that means you’re dead.
Patient #2
Yeah, I’m dead, I’m dead. [Takes skull from doctor:] My friend. [Ad. lib. Exits.]
Doctor
[Tests thermometer on himself.] Oh! Broken!
FX
Intro music.
Patient #3
Knock-knock.
Doctor
Come in.
Patient #3
[Clutching groin area.] Please help doctor. Please help. I have a big p—
Doctor
No, no: I have a big—
Patient #3
I have a big—
Doctor
No: mine’s big.
Patient #3
Please listen: I have a big pain. Pain.
Doctor
Pain? Oh, I see. Take a seat. I’ll examine you.
Patient #3
Ouch! Yeah. Ouch. Don’t touch. Don’t touch. More touch! [Has orgasm and wipes up mess.]
Doctor
I need a urine sample.
Patient #3
What? You’re what?
Doctor
I need a urine sample.
Patient #3
ur . . . ur . . . What?
Doctor
Piss in a bottle.
Patient #3
Piss in a bottle? Ok. [Take bottle and unzips trousers.]
Doctor
Not here: over there.
Patient #3
[Exits.]
FX
Water pouring into bottle followed by a loud plop.
Patient #3
OH!
Doctor
What?
Patient #3
Doctor: I have a big surprise. It’s a miracle. It’s a miracle. This! [Holds glass bottle to audience and shows a fish swimming around in it.]
FX
Da daaaa music.
Doctor
You eat too much sashimi.
fx
Intro music
Sketch Two: Magic Show
Announcemen
Welcome to the magic show etc.
Magician
My name is. . . . My assistant. Now: what’s your name?
Assistant
Yasushi.
Magician
[To audience:] Hiroshi. Now, first is Hat Magic. Empty.
[Showing empty hat. Puts hat behind back Assistant brings soft toy from back stage and put is in the hat. Magician shows magical appearance of soft toy in hat.]
Next magic is traditional Indian curtain magic. [Holds cover in front of himself.] Hey look at her Yasushi [in audience.] She’s beautiful.
Assistant
Beautiful. Sexy.
Magician
Sexy, yeah. I like her. My type. [Cover begins to bulge out near groin area then floats upwards. Music stops.] Hey we need more music.
Assistant
[Starts to sing magic show theme.]
Magician
No. [Hits assistant.] Next is Floating Magic. You want to try?
Assistant
Me? No. You do it.
Magician
Me? I can’t. I can’t.
Assistant
[Encourages audiences to cheer.]
Magician
[Shows reluctant willingness by dancing about stage with glee.]
[Magician floats.]
My show is finished. Next is Yasushi’s show.
Assistant
Yes, this is Yasushi’s show. I need a volunteer. Hey, you. [Points into audience.]
Magician
Me? [Reluctantly goes on stage.]
Assistant
Expensive equipment. [Picks up cardboard box.]
Magician
Expensive.
Assistant
Get in the box. [Exits.]
Magician I
n the box? Too small. I can’t. Oh, I can just fit. Hey! What’s that?
Assistant
[Comes on stage with swords.] Sword magic.
Magician
Sword magic?! Help help help. [Swords are inserted into box and penetrate volunteer.]
Assistant
Next is most dangerous. [Exits.]
Magician
[Screaming] Most dangerous?!
Assistant
[Returns with vacuum cleaner with long hose.]
[Screaming] Vacuum cleaner?
Assistant
[Inserts hose though hole in box in groin region. Pulls it out. Volunteers underpants are attached and thrown to audience.]
Sketch Three: The Tooth Devil
Victim
It’s Sunday. I should be happy: birds are singing, children are playing, people are in love!
FX
Chirping, kiddie voices, weird “pillow sex” sounds.
Victim
But, no, no no. I have a big problem.
[Tooth Devil rides on stage cowboy style etc.]
Tooth Devil
My name is Bad Tooth Devil. [Searches pockets for business card, brings out a scrap of paper.] Company name.
Victim
I have a bad tooth. I think the Tooth Devil is in my mouth.
Tooth Devil
Yes, I’m in your mouth.
Victim
What can I do to kill the tooth devil?
Tooth Devil
Tooth, tooth, tooth. [Selects the correct tooth from a large representation of teeth. Hit’s tooth 3 times.]
Victim
Ouch etc. How can I kill the Tooth Devil?
Tooth Devil
I don’t know.
Victim
[To audience:] Any ideas? Oh, I have an idea.
Tooth Devil
Really?
Victim
Maybe if I brush my teeth.
Tooth Devil
Brush your teeth? Oh, please help me.
FX
Shower sound
[Victim brushes teeth. Tooth Devil takes a toilet brush and takes a shower singing merrily. Victim gives up.]
Tooth Devil
Too late. Yes.
Victim
How can I kill the Tooth Devil? Mmm. Heat. [Picks up electric hair dryer.]
Tooth Devil
Heat?! Please I don’t like heat.
FX
Holiday beach music.
Tooth Devil
[Lounging as on a beach.] I don't like heat! Aloha! [Ad. lib beach stuff.]
Victim
How can I kill him? He’s evil!
Tooth Devil
Evil?
FX
Nursery music.
Tooth Devil
[Kiddie voice:] I’m not evil. [Picks up Donald Duck toy.] I like to play with Donald.
Victim
He’s ugly.
Tooth Devil
Ugly? [Takes hand mirror.]
FX
Romantic music.
Tooth Devil
I’m not ugly. My name is Juliet. I’m so beautiful. Ohhh, Romeo. Romeo! Ohhhh.
Victim
How can I kill the Tooth Devil? How can I etc.
FX
Clock ticking music.
Victim
I have a fantastic idea! SUGAR!
Tooth Devil
SUGAR? Please don’t. I don’t like sugar.
Victim
[Takes out paper sachet and opens it. Pours it into mouth.]
Tooth Devil
It’s not sugar. It’s salt. I like salt.
Victim
[Takes out real sugar sachet. Eats contents.]
Tooth Devil
[Polystyrene bits fall over Tooth Devil. He falls down dead.] I’m dead.
[Walks around like ghoulish dead Tooth Devil.]
Curtain closes. |
